Something to Hold On To
by dove-cotes
Summary: "And Ima will always be here."


**_A/N: This is my first published one-shot. So please if you read this let me know what you think and if I should write more in the future. :) Tremendous thanks to Shari, Tatiana and Sarah for all their support and advice throughout my writing journey._**

 _Dedicated to my achot_

 **Something to Hold On To**

"Come here."

Ziva scooped her daughter up in her arms, groaning out an exaggerated "Oh my goodness" at the added weight as she settled both herself and Tali on the couch.

She held Tali tightly to her chest, savoring the feel of soft curls tickling her neck. She breathed in, memorizing Tali's baby-soft scent and the smell of her shampoo. A pain had jabbed its way into Ziva's heart as the present situation became more real; she did not know when she would get to do this again.

She pulled back, situating Tali securely in her lap, her pretzeled legs holding the toddler there. As much as she needed that closeness, she needed also to look at her. The lump in Ziva's throat swelled larger and larger with every look of sheer adoration her child gave her.

 _'_ _If only she knew the things I have done.'_

She erased the dark thought from her mind with a hard blink.

 _'_ _Do not go back there Ziva, not today.'_

When she opened her eyes again, she ensured there were no ghosts lurking behind them for Tali to see: she willed them to appear animated, entertaining and full of life; forced her expression to change from a sad smile to one of amused shock. She gave a dramatic gasp.

"Where is Kalev?"

At the mention of the one-and-a-half-year-old's most prized possession, Tali started babbling, turning her head left, right, and even backwards to see where her plush friend had gone. He'd been in her tight little fists when Ziva had carried her out into the living room.

Ziva made a show of looking for him herself, even after her eyes spotted him a few inches from the couch. Eventually, she stretched out one arm to pick him up: "Ah, there he is."

Tali watched as she patted the dog clean, smoothing down its floppy fabric ears, then squinting at its face to see if it passed inspection.

"'Alev!" Tali reached out her hands, signaling her mother to give the dog to her. But Ziva didn't, not yet.

"Watch Ima, Tali."

Ziva hugged the stuffed animal to her, then placed a kiss on the top of its head, making sure her daughter could hear the loud popping 'mwah' as she smacked her lips. She then took Tali's arms and wrapped them securely around the dog, smiling softly. Tali gave a squeal of delighted approval, her tiny body trembling with excitement.

There was a pause as Ziva struggled to keep her emotions in check. They did not have that much time left to spend with one another.

"Do you know what Ima just did?"

Tali's grin grew wider with every new word that emanated from her mother's lips.

"She took all," Ziva began, keeping her expressions dramatic, "chibukim ve'neshikot and put them inside Kalev." She poked the little stuffed dog's chest for good measure.

Tali was mesmerized. The peacefulness and innocence her face conveyed made it unbearably difficult for Ziva to continue. She did not deserve such a precious gift as a daughter that looked up to her like she was the moon and stars, a daughter that hung onto her words because she believed in every single one of them, and her mother herself.

Ziva could no longer fight back the tears that escaped from her eyes, but she didn't give them a thought as she went on.

Tali wouldn't understand half of this. But Ziva did, and hoped it might give her daughter something to hold on to.

"So." She swallowed down the rasp in her voice. "Whenever you feel sad or scared," she said, tugging gently at Tali's wrists with each word, "or lonely, you just hug Kalev real tight" —as if on cue, Tali's grip around the little dog tightened and she clutched it to her—"and Ima will always be here."

She held Tali to her chest again, needing her own comfort, needing to feel her child's heart beat against her own. Ziva's eyes screwed tightly shut.

 _'_ _At lo levad.'_

The words echoed faintly in her ears as she pulled back, seeing Tony's eyes in their daughter's.

 _'_ _I know.'_

Would _she_ know?

"Can Ima see him again?"

Tali pushed the dog back into her mother's arms. "'Alev o'v Ima."

Ziva pulled Tali into her, one last time, her hand rubbing up and down her back in slow, calming circles. She whispered in her ear: "Ani ohevet otach."

She snuck the dog behind her back to be packed in the the go-bag once Tali had gone to sleep.

She rocked her baby backwards and forwards, humming one last familiar Hebrew lullaby in her ears, until sleepy, feather-light gurgles could be heard. Ziva kissed Tali's forehead to seal in her promises and delicately slid her off her lap onto the couch so she could make the final arrangements.

 _"_ _Please take care of her Tony."_


End file.
